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ONTOLOGICAL FORENSICS // THE STATE OF OHIO

Deadpan Unhinged Edition

I. EXECUTIVE SUMMARY

Ohio isn't real.

This report presents the strongest available evidence that the so‑called "State of Ohio" is not a real geographic or political entity but rather a large‑scale bureaucratic placeholder constructed for reasons no one has fully disclosed.

Our findings indicate:

• No one has ever arrived in Ohio; they have only ever found themselves already inside it.

• Borders are mathematically inconsistent.

• Official maps show signs of retroactive editing.

• The economy is powered primarily by roundabouts and gently disappointed hope.

II. FIELD OBSERVATIONS

Researchers who claim to have visited Ohio report the following anomalies:

• Liminal Weather: A permanent, indecisive atmospheric condition described as "basically fine but somehow spiritually damp."

• Temporal Slippage: Clocks in Ohio run at the correct speed but the time feels incorrect.

• Directional Collapse: Highways loop into each other in topological violations that would require 5D geometry to explain.

Eyewitness testimony remains remarkably consistent: "I don’t remember crossing into Ohio. I only remember realizing I was there and immediately wanting to leave."

III. GEO-POLITICAL ANALYSIS

Ohio appears to serve a stabilizing function for the United States’ symbolic infrastructure:

• It absorbs cultural contradictions too volatile to distribute across the other states.

• It maintains the illusion of a Midwest center‑mass for electoral purposes.

• It functions as a semantic buffer zone preventing Pennsylvania and Indiana from touching, which would cause unknown consequences.

IV. ECONOMIC STRUCTURE

Ohio's GDP is generated through:

1. Manufacturing of Return Visits: People leave Ohio and then inexplicably find themselves going back "just for a thing."

2. College Football: The state’s primary export is disproportionate emotional investment.

3. Pilot Studies: Federal agencies conduct experiments there because the outcome doesn’t seem to affect the surrounding world.

V. TOPOLOGY OF NON-EXISTENCE

1. Border Leakage

Satellite data shows that Ohio's borders shift slightly each year, like a tired amoeba.

2. Quantum Counties

Several counties exhibit properties of quantum objects—existing only when directly observed and immediately changing once attention drifts.

3. I‑71 Paradox

Drivers report merging onto I‑71, then later discovering they were never actually on I‑71. The highway appears to be a narrative device rather than infrastructure.

VI. ETHNOGRAPHIC NOTES

Residents ("Ohioans") show signs of prolonged exposure to an ontologically unstabilized region:

• Their affect is normal but slightly apologetic.

• They insist Ohio is real, which is suspicious.

• They are capable of describing multiple major cities in detail, yet none of these cities feel locatable in physical space.

VII. CONCLUSION

All evidence points toward Ohio as a placeholder state—a conceptual scaffolding inserted into the national psyche to prevent a symmetry collapse in the Midwest.

Its existence cannot be confirmed.
Its nonexistence cannot be denied.

Further research is ongoing.

VIII. PROPOSED QUESTIONS FOR FUTURE INQUIRY

• If a state does not exist but exerts force, what is its classification?

• Who benefits from the illusion of Ohio?

• Is it possible to escape Ohio intentionally, or does it only release those who have fulfilled its narrative requirements?

• What happens if we stop pretending Ohio is real?

End of Report.