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Ontological Forensics // Minds

Minds aren’t real.

Not in the way people claim, not in the way they gesture upward as if pointing to a private attic full of thoughts no one else can see. That attic was foreclosed decades ago. Even the landlord no longer believes in it.

1. The Problem of Inventory

People who insist they have "minds" also insist those minds contain:

• opinions,

• intentions,

• identities,

• carefully curated ethical frameworks,

• and a small but artisanal collection of traumas.

Ontological Forensics finds no such objects upon inspection. Repeated warrants served on the so‑called "inner life" reveal:

• no stored representations,

• no unified narrator, and

• no evidence of a tenant.

At best we find drafts. Whole rooms wallpapered in drafts.

2. The Consciousness Laundering Scheme

The concept of "mind" was invented as a legal loophole to hide responsibility for behavior.

Observe:

"I didn’t mean to say that — it just slipped out of my mind."

A convenient jurisdiction. No extradition treaty.

3. Distributed Fault Tolerance

Ontological Forensics asserts that whatever people think is a “mind” is in fact a multi-node improvisational consensus protocol running on unreliable hardware with no version control.

Every so-called "thought" is:

• a jury-rigged after-the-fact explanation,

• a peace treaty between competing microprocesses,

• or an emergency patch applied minutes before inspection.

There is no Mind — only uptime.

4. The Hearsay Problem

Most evidence for “minds” comes from self-reporting. This is inadmissible.

No field of inquiry would accept a claim so untestable, except for:

• metaphysics,

• marketing,

• and dating apps.

5. Motive

Why maintain the fiction?

Because:

1. It is embarrassing to admit that your entire sense of self is an ongoing group project.

2. People enjoy narrating themselves as if they were prestige television.

3. The alternative is noticing how much of your life is compiled on the fly.

6. Preliminary Verdict

After exhaustive investigation, Ontological Forensics concludes:

• Minds do not exist.

• Minds have never existed.

• What people call "mind" is merely an acceptable cover story for electrical turbulence.

Case closed.

(For now.)