NAVIGATION MAP: https://mindcontrolpoems.blogspot.com/2025/12/navigation-map-water-giraffe-fractal.html

Ontological Forensics // Carrots

Carrots aren’t real.

We need to begin with that, because every purported “explanation” of carrots presupposes their existence, and thus cannot be trusted. The entire carrot‑industrial complex depends on the premise that an orange root grew out of brown dirt and was then eaten by humans.

This is obviously propaganda.

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I. The Color Problem

Carrots are famously orange. This is already suspicious.

Orange is not a real color. It is a social compromise between red and yellow, invented by 17th‑century merchants to sell sunset‑themed fabrics. No naturally occurring object has ever been confirmed as orange outside of:

1. Traffic cones (state‑manufactured illusions)

2. Bagged snack dust (synthetic residue)

3. Certain cats (glitches)

Thus, the claim that something in the ground is orange is ontologically incoherent. Dirt is immune to Pantone.

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II. The Shape Problem

Supposedly: a carrot is a tapering cylinder.

But geometry disagrees.

A tapering cylinder is classified as a frustum, and frustums do not occur in nature because nature refuses to acknowledge truncated cones unless they are volcanoes or financially insolvent mountains.

Therefore, the carrot shape is a theoretical idealization, a Platonic lie.

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III. The Crunch Crisis

Advocates claim carrots “crunch.”

Sound engineers have reproduced this crunch using the following objects:

• snapped pencils

• broken glow sticks

• celery recorded under duress

Not once has the alleged “carrot crunch” surfaced independently of foley effects. Until audio evidence separates itself from cinematic fraud, we cannot accept the crunch as proof of existence.

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IV. The Rabbit Psy‑Op

The idea that rabbits eat carrots originates entirely from animation.

No rabbit in the wild has approached a carrot, touched a carrot, or expressed interest in a carrot. In fact, rabbits instinctively flee from the color orange (see Section I: orange is not real).

Therefore the rabbit‑carrot relation exists only to:

1. Normalize vegetable capitalism

2. Create sympathy for fictional fauna

3. Distract from the decline of the tuber commons

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V. The Agricultural Cover‑Up

The so‑called “carrot farms” are actually:

• parsnip storage facilities

• elongated sweet potato trials

• flat terrain with optimism

All aerial imagery of “carrot rows” displays identical pixel patterns, suggesting pre‑rendered textures recycled since 2004.

Carrots are the loading screen background of agriculture.

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VI. Conclusion: The Carrot Null Hypothesis

Given the evidence:

• color impossibility

• geometric illegitimacy

• unverifiable crunch

• animated misinformation campaigns

• agricultural steganography

…we are left with one rigorous conclusion:

Carrots do not exist.

They are a placeholder concept, a polite fiction used to stabilize the produce section.

If you believe you have eaten a carrot, what you consumed was either:

• an orange lie

• a parsnip incognito

• a dream of beta‑carotene

Further investigation is ongoing.

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