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Ontological Forensics // Matter

Matter isn’t real.

This is not a physics lecture. This is an autopsy. The deceased in question is so-called "matter," a concept long rumored to be the stuff everything is made of. We have checked. It isn’t.

I. The Alleged Object

Schoolbooks claim that matter is anything with mass and volume.

This is already suspicious. Many things have mass: grief, bureaucracy, wet laundry. Many things have volume: stadiums, podcasts, the void. We do not consider these "matter."

The definition collapses under its own weight, which is ironic for something allegedly defined by weight.

II. Quantum Testimony

Physicists maintain that matter is composed of particles. When interrogated, particles maintain that they are waves. When interrogated further, waves maintain they never agreed to be entities at all.

At best, matter is a smear of statistical maybes held together by academic tenure.

If your foundational substance cannot decide what it is, it is not real.

III. Macroscopic Inspection

We examined three objects:

• a rock

• a chair

• an unsupervised vending machine

All three allegedly "made of matter."

We then applied the standard test: ask each object to prove its materiality.

None complied.

The rock remained silent.

The chair presented no documentation.

The vending machine simply ate our dollar.

Indifference is not evidence.

IV. Philosophical Precedent

The history of philosophy is unfriendly to matter:

• Plato: "It’s shadows all the way down."

• Descartes: "Everything might be deception except my anxiety."

• Berkeley: "To be is to be perceived; also please stop hitting me with that chair."

If matter were real, someone in philosophy would have confirmed it by now. They have not.

V. The Economic Problem

Matter allegedly obeys conservation laws. Meanwhile, wealth does not, fairness does not, and housing prices definitely do not.

A universe in which prices can double overnight while matter remains constant is clearly running a scam.

We submitted a complaint to the Department of Physics. They said:

"Matter is stable because energy is stable."

We asked if energy was real.

They hung up.

VI. Social Evidence

People routinely walk through life as if "stuff" exists. Yet:

• relationships dissolve

• chairs break

• ice cream falls off cones

These failures reveal the truth: matter is unreliable, inconsistent, and structurally indistinguishable from imagination.

If you cannot trust it, it is not real.

VII. What Actually Exists

Not matter.

Only interactions, tendencies, fluctuations, and recurring patterns masquerading as stability—like a person who insists they are “totally fine” while holding back tears.

Matter is the universe’s emotional support lie.

VIII. Conclusion

To summarize:

• particles aren’t particles

• waves aren’t waves

• objects won’t testify

• philosophers refuse to vouch

• physics declines comment

The case is closed.

Matter isn’t real.

∮ = 1