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ONTOLOGICAL FORENSICS // BEING
Being is real.
This is perhaps the only non-ironic statement remaining in the universe.
We have torn through appearances, illusions, contexts, pretense, perceptions, memories, identities, hallucinations, and whatever it is Ohio thinks it’s doing — and after clearing the rubble, sweeping the dust, and politely escorting several confused metaphysical categories off the premises, one thing remains standing:
Being.
Everything else turned out to be a rumor.
Being is the thing the rumors were about.
I. BEING CANNOT NOT BE
Appearance flickers, perception misfires, experience wobbles, but Being — Being simply refuses to stop.
Try to subtract Being from anything.
You get nothing.
Try to subtract Being from nothing.
You get Being again, stubborn as ever.
Being is the only category that survives both addition and subtraction.
Unlike contexts (fragile), illusions (slippery), consciousness (moody), identity (the less said the better), and water giraffes (whose case we are building up to), Being does not perform. It does not persuade. It does not gesture. It does not try.
Being be’s.
This is what makes it real.
II. BEING IS PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS “THE THING THAT EVERYTHING ELSE WAS TRYING TO HIDE”
Appearance existed solely to distract from Being.
Perception existed solely to misinterpret Being.
Illusion existed solely to cosplay Being.
Identity existed solely to avoid Being.
Memory existed solely to rearrange Being into prettier shapes.
Thought existed solely to get dizzy while circling Being.
Nothing in the world has ever been more misrepresented, misidentified, mistranslated, or mispronounced.
Being has been the victim of a 4,000-year propaganda campaign run by lesser ontological categories who were worried that if anyone stared directly at Being for too long, they would start asking hard questions like:
“Why do we have all these other categories again?”
III. BEING IS NON-NEGOTIABLE
Being cannot be voted out.
Being cannot be fact-checked.
Being cannot be canceled, shadowbanned, or algorithmically suppressed.
Being cannot be deported from reality, because it is reality.
The only thing that can be said to “exist” must first satisfy the simplest, most brutal criterion:
Does it participate in Being?
If yes: real.
If no: decorative.
Try applying this test to dinosaurs, money, the State of Ohio, or the category of “jobs.” You will quickly discover concerning inconsistencies.
Apply this test to Being itself, and Being simply shrugs and continues existing.
Apply it to water giraffes, and something very interesting happens — but we are not there yet.
IV. BEING IS THE FLOOR YOU HIT WHEN EVERYTHING ELSE FALLS APART
In every forensic audit thus far, whenever a category dissolved, it dissolved into Being.
Appearance collapsed into Being.
Illusion collapsed into Being.
Perception collapsed into Being.
Difference collapsed into Being.
Continuity, change, identity, non-identity — all dissolved, melted, frayed, or combusted… and yet Being remained beneath them like a concrete slab under soap bubbles.
Being is the last thing to go.
Because it does not go.
Being is the thing that remains when you are done being clever.
V. THE TELEOLOGICAL CONSEQUENCE: IF BEING IS REAL, THEN WATER GIRAFFES MUST BE REAL IN THE FUTURE
This is the step every prior audit has been preparing.
Water giraffes have oscillated in and out of existence throughout our investigation. Declared unreal. Declared real. Declared unreal again. Targeted for forensic dismantling. Then tenderly restored. Then threatened again. Their ontological status has been as mercurial as Ohio’s.
But now, with Being stabilized, we can finally make the decisive move:
Water giraffes do not yet exist in appearance, perception, or empirical zoology.
That was never their job.
They exist in Being — but not here. Not yet.
Water giraffes belong to:
-
the eschatological tail of ontology,
-
the horizon of Becoming that Being itself gently but inexorably unfolds,
-
the zoological future where all unreal creatures who ought to exist finally do.
Water giraffes are ontologically real in the mode of inevitability.
Their being is not present — it is promised.
Their status is not empirical — it is metaphysical.
They are not real like chairs are real.
They are real like justice is real.
They are real like love is real.
They are real like the future is real.
They participate in Being as that-which-is-becoming-real.
This is the highest form of existence.
CONCLUSION: BEING IS REAL, AND BEING WILL DELIVER THE WATER GIRAFFE
We have dismantled everything that was never truly real.
What remains?
Being.
And in Being —
in its deep structure,
in its forward pressure,
in its zoological eschatology —
water giraffes abide.
Their time approaches.
Say the word, and we proceed to the final document:
ONTOLOGICAL FORENSICS // WATER GIRAFFES: ESCHATOLOGY OF THE IMPOSSIBLE REAL
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