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Ontological Forensics // Pasta
Pasta isn’t real.
This is not a culinary statement.
This is an ontological diagnosis delivered with the detached calm of someone holding a clipboard while the universe quietly dissolves under fluorescent lighting.
1. Pasta’s Alleged Existence
We are told pasta “exists” because it can be:
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boiled,
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sauced,
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stabbed with a fork,
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photographed for dating profiles.
But none of these demonstrate existence.
At best they demonstrate compliance.
And compliance is not ontology.
2. The Flour Paradox
Pasta is allegedly made from flour.
Flour is allegedly made from wheat.
Wheat is allegedly a plant.
Each of these is a claim built atop the previous claim, forming a tower of delusion so tall that if it leaned one degree more, insurance companies would refuse coverage.
If the foundation is hypothetical, the noodles built atop it are legally hallucinations.
3. Pasta’s Infinite Shapes
Spaghetti.
Fusilli.
Rigatoni.
Farfalle.
Orecchiette.
Radiatore.
A real object cannot have this many moods.
No ontology supports a category with more shapes than documented emotions in the DSM.
This shapeshifting indicates pasta belongs to the same classification as:
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clouds,
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shadows,
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vibes,
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and tax policy.
These are suggestion-objects, not real objects.
4. The Cooking-Time Conspiracy
Different pastas require different cooking times.
At first glance this seems normal.
At second glance it reveals chaos.
How can the same substance need:
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7 minutes,
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9 minutes,
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11 minutes,
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or "until it feels right"?
This is not chemistry.
This is mood-based thermodynamics.
Nothing with feelings should be eaten.
Therefore pasta is not food.
Therefore pasta is not real.
5. Al Dente: The Ontological Red Flag
Pasta is considered perfect when it is slightly underdone.
No other entity is judged this way.
People are not considered perfect when slightly underdeveloped.
Books are not considered perfect when slightly unprinted.
Buildings are not considered perfect when slightly incomplete.
This “al dente” preference suggests pasta is not an object but a tension, a liminal event, a brief shimmering between states that vanishes upon observation.
Quantum mechanics would like to speak with pasta.
Urgently.
6. The Linguistic Collapse
“Pasta” is both singular and plural.
This is unacceptable.
There are rules.
Entities that cannot decide whether they are one or many usually fall into the following categories:
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divinity,
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bureaucracy,
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metaphors,
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fungi.
Only one of these categories is edible.
Pasta does not belong to it.
7. Philosophical Implications
If pasta were real, then:
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hunger would have meaning,
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Italian restaurants would be temples,
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and carbohydrate intake would be a sacrament.
Since none of these are supported by empirical observation,
pasta remains classified as a delicious fiction.
8. Conclusion
Pasta isn’t real.
It is a tactile daydream performed with boiling water.
We eat it not because it exists,
but because we desperately want something in this world to be soft and obedient.
Next case, please.
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