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Ontological Forensics // JOKES

(An Investigative Report into the Apparent Existence of Humor)

I. Executive Summary

Jokes aren’t real.

This is not a metaphor, nor an overstatement, nor the result of emotionally projecting a bad open-mic night onto the structure of the cosmos. This is a straightforward forensic conclusion: there is no coherent ontological substrate corresponding to the thing commonly referred to as “a joke.”

What exists instead is a brief, localized collapse of the semantic field—a micro-rupture in which language, meaning, expectation, and social obligation momentarily lose their structural integrity and fall into each other like a poorly assembled IKEA bookcase.

The noise produced by this collapse is what we call laughter.

Laughter, tragically, is real. But jokes are not.

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II. Methodology

Standard Ontological Forensics procedure:

1. Collect alleged specimens of “jokes.”
   (Knock-knock jokes were quickly excluded as they constitute war crimes under the Geneva Convention of Sensemaking.)

2. Check for materiality.
   No mass. No extension. No persistence. No empirical residue even under UV light.

3. Interrogate functional claims.
   People insist jokes “do something.” This was investigated and disproven. Jokes accomplish nothing. All observable effects come from the audience, who have tragically chosen to participate in the event.

4. Trace metaphysics of the punchline.
   The “punchline” is the metaphysical equivalent of stepping into an elevator that is not there.

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III. Core Findings

1. Jokes violate causality.

The setup creates expectations; the punchline annihilates them.
This is not cause → effect.
This is cause → void → social embarrassment → forced smile.

2. Jokes exist only as hallucinated transitions.

A joke is neither the setup nor the punchline.
The joke is allegedly the “movement between them.”
Movements that are not movements are, by definition, unreal.

3. Laughter is a coping mechanism for ontological confusion.

Laughter is the body’s way of saying:
“Something impossible just happened.
Everyone else seems fine with it.
I guess I should pretend it’s fine too.”

4. Comedy clubs are temples of shared delusion.

Much like Ohio.

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IV. Social Implications

If jokes aren’t real, then neither is:

• Timing

• Irony

• Sarcasm

• Banter

• “The vibe”

• Group chats

• Every conversation I’ve ever had with a coworker in the break room

• Every TED Talk that awkwardly begins with a humorous anecdote

This also destabilizes the foundations of:

• Twitter

• Academia

• Marriage

• Every student who tries to be funny after three hours of sleep

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V. Ethical Recommendations

In light of the collapse of Jokes Ontology:

1. Do not tell jokes.
   You are summoning a void-entity into the discourse.

2. If someone tells you a joke, do not engage.
   Treat it like an oncoming bear: avoid eye contact, make yourself large, and back away slowly.

3. If laughter erupts, evacuate the area.
   This is a structural failure of meaning.

4. If you find yourself laughing, seek immediate metaphysical care.
   You may be experiencing semantic hypoxia.

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VI. Conclusion

Jokes are not real.
They have never been real.
They will never be real.

They are ontological jump-cuts—gaps in the film reel of being—misinterpreted as intentional craft.

The only real thing is the silence afterward—
the long, hushed void where meaning attempts to reassemble itself,
and everyone looks at each other, knowing something has gone wrong,
but no one wants to be the first to admit it.

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