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Ontological Forensics // Absurdism

Absurdism isn’t real.

Let’s begin by acknowledging the obvious: no one has ever observed Absurdism in the wild. Not once. Reports of Absurdism typically involve a person staring at a wall or into a void and declaring, with great confidence, that "nothing means anything." But this is not Absurdism. This is simply a person having an afternoon.

The myth of Absurdism began when a small cohort of undercaffeinated Europeans mistook their own inability to assemble a coherent life plan for a cosmic principle. Instead of admitting that they hadn’t slept in weeks and were eating only cigarettes, they declared the universe fundamentally meaningless. This was widely accepted because everyone around them was also eating only cigarettes.

Most so-called "Absurdist" texts are, upon close inspection, just metaphysical shrugging wrapped in dramatic lighting. The theater community, famously susceptible to both of these things, declared it profound.

We must also consider the economic motives. Declaring the universe meaningless is a remarkably efficient way to avoid contributing to society. If nothing matters, then neither does your landlord’s repeated request for rent. The historical correlation between Absurdist philosophy and unpaid balances is, at this point, impossible to ignore.

Furthermore, no controlled laboratory environment has ever successfully reproduced Absurdism. Whenever scientists put test subjects in situations allegedly conducive to "Absurdist insight"—long hallways, silent rooms, unreturned text messages—the subjects simply fell asleep. This means the so-called "Absurd condition" is actually fatigue.

And so, we arrive at the definitive forensic conclusion:

Absurdism does not exist. It is a scheduling error mistaken for a worldview, a pseudoscientific justification for wearing black turtlenecks, and the theatrical equivalent of sighing loudly to get attention. The universe is not absurd; it is merely enormous and busy, and has not had time to respond to your emails.

Case closed.