handwritten letter

ok so just so it's fully clear

it is true i used the phrase "kinda lying" - but i want to name how that happened and what it actually meant.

what happened was: you had asked for more compassion. i had not given it, because the request was leveraged - as a condition on counseling. that didn’t feel like a clean ask, it felt like a trap. so i didn’t meet you there.

but later - night before the skull / full rupture - I did try to meet you there. i said: yes, i want to try, i can learn from you what more compassion would feel like, what it would mean to do better by you in that way. if you could also meet me at my concern: that leveraging conditions on counseling is a real and serious harm pattern.

that was the best i could do. i thought maybe there was a way forward in that.

you rejected it. the mutuality.

i felt that door close.

and then i said: fine. maybe i was kinda lying. meaning - i was trying to meet you, but i didn’t really believe that what you were asking for, in that moment, in that frame, was fully coherent or fair. so when it became clear it wasn’t going to land, that it wasn’t going to be met at all, i gave up. emotionally. and said the thing.

and that got turned into the core accusation - like proof i was always lying, always manipulating, never real. which is wild, because the whole point was that i tried to meet you, even where i didn’t agree, even when it didn’t fully make sense to me.

and when that failed, i collapsed. that’s all.

it wasn’t a confession. it was a moment of defeat.

i just need that to be in the record.

that i was trying to meet you.
that the ask came as a condition.
that i still tried.
that it wasn’t enough.
that the indictment was always waiting.

• and that’s what broke me.